Hmm...

Dear world, (at least those who read this thing)

I realized something today. I talk too much. I really, really hate it. I sometimes think I have something important to say, or something intelligent to share with the world. I am starting to realize that that usually is not true. I can accept this. I get a lot of comments from the people around me, most of them seem to be negative. I sometimes feel ignored or attacked. That may be true, I seriously, seriously feel that way sometimes. But maybe they have a point. I talk all the time, but never really say anything. So, I don't think I am going to talk much anymore. I seriously don't have anything good to say. Just filler to keep me busy.

I would like to think I could keep it up...we'll see. I think I seriously may try to live out the old time bit of wisdom, speak when spoken to. Sure that may be something parents say to get their kids to shut-up and pretend that those are polite manners, but I think I am going to try and live it out...For awhile at least. I will continue to write thoughts, and listen to music and things like that, but I just don't feel like talking anymore. Maybe I will learn something. I hope.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

I leave you all with this verse that stuck out to me today.

"By your endurance gain your lives."
- Luke 21:19

Faith...is the victory that overcomes the world?

So, today the team was cleaning up the "garden" and the parking lot today. We were picking up trash obviously. And it wasn't like a cool, youth group project where there are 30 zealous kids, singing and laughing and making it a grand ole' time. I was by myself most of the time, and it left me with a lot of time to think about life and my decisions in life. FAITH was a big thing that came to mind.

I was thinking about what Faith really looked like, and how it played out in my life. In case you didn't know this about me, I tend to take things to the extreme or say bold things, that may be offensive or "off color". But while I was picking up trash I had this thought:

"What in the world am I doing. I am cleaning up trash in a Godless country, in FAITH, and hope that some spiritual deity in the great cosmos is going to make sense out of all of this seemingly insignificant task, some where in some point in time."

Then it only expanded from there. Where does my faith come from? Then I realized, it came from a book. Words on a page, are guiding my life. Or at least I try to let them guide me. Everything in my life is because of words on a page in a most significant order.

These words say there is a God who created everything around me. They tell me that he crushed nations, and he lifted them up. That from the beginning of time, he had a plan in motion to bring about relationship with peons. Little "grasshoppers" and this God, says he is going to send his son to wipe away sin from the earth so that we can enter in a pure and undefiled relationship with the this God, that gives and takes away. He also Tests, but doesn't tempt, He forgives and forgets sin, but knows everything at the same time. He knows the outcome of the world, yet we still have free will.

I know the historicity and credibility of the Bible, but still, FAITH requires you to take that step and let words on a page be a guide for your life.

I guess you could say that I was struggling with my faith, but I think I am slowly realizing more and more what it is. Sometimes Faith doesn't make any sense at all, and you are left stranded guessing and worrying. But Faith says I have grace. Needless to say, I will never run out of things to think about and ponder.

What does your faith look like? What is it telling you?

My faith is a mystery, and it is revealed to my a little everyday. My faith is a victory that will overcome the world. Will yours?

An open book..

Sorry for the next however long this becomes. This is a complete rant of how I "feel" at the moment.

I hate where I am. I don't want God as much as I want, I want to live for myself. I Hate living on the mission Field. I hate being away from my family. My heart hurts for many people and many things. I want so much out of life and I feel that is passing away in front on my eyes while I sit here and feel useless and wasteful. I don't have the courage or the strength or the motivation to change. I don't want to change. I enjoy where I am, and hate it at the same time. My life is such a paradox.

I am depressed, but joyful. hateful but thankful. confused but I know what I am doing. Lost, but found. Blind, but I see. I know what to do, but I don't do it. I want to complain. I want to do something else. I want to be home. I want to play music, I want to cry, and laugh. I want to be right with God, but I don't want to feel guilty for sin. I want to be with the girl of my dreams. I want to be where I want to be without the pain and growth, right now. I don't want to fear, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to doubt. I want to shout, and run. I want what I want, and I want it now. This post is so depressing and negative, but I have to say it. I can't hold it in.

I need to cry, but I can't. I need to repent, but I don't know how. I want my arm to quit twitching, but it won't. I want to worship, but I feel trapped. I want connection with God and the power to overcome sin, but I don't know how to get it. I want to have the faith I see on stage. I want to feel as though I have everything together. I want to have a huge faith. I want God to fit in my box. I want God to do what I want him to do, the way I want it done. I want my way to be effective. I want my way to be the best way. I want people to cater to my needs. I want to surf, and to play footbag. I want to play the drums in a band. I want my life to be a living sacrifice to the Lord. But I want it on my terms. I want to be humble, but I don't want it to hurt. I want to be submissive but I don't want to serve.

What is my problem, where have I gone wrong. I can't put my finger on it. I hate the lame simply answers to my problems. I only hate them because I know that they are the truth. I want to have my bad attitude and expect things to be good for me. I want a negative outlook and then things to be positive. I want, I want I want.

What a pathetic loser, I have become. Stuck in sin. Sometimes I care, and sometimes I don't. My prayers are cold, my faith is weak. My walk is more of a stumble. I am not growing, I am not maturing. I am dying and I can feel it. I hear the message, but I don't apply. I love the story, but don't want to be in it. I want praise from men, and I want all the Glory. I want to be on the throne, and I want my crown. How weak I am. Am I ranting? Am I just flying off the handle and don't mean anything I say? Who knows. Am I going crazy? What a wretch I am. I am definitely not strong. People doubt if I will make it here. I doubt myself. Maybe I won't make it. Maybe I will quit. I don't want to, but at the same time I do. I will continue to wake up every morning and put my feet in my shoes and walk. I will fall, and hate, I will sin and cry. I will be confused and I will sin. I will want, and I will curse. I will judge, and I will mock. I will be a hypocrite and I will criticize. I will expect things to be done a certain way, and I will be upset when they don't work out. God if you are there, hear my pray. Fix my broken spirit. Lift me up in my day of trouble.

Here is my prayer God:

God, I want to love you more than I do.
I don't want to sin, but I will, and I will want to when it happens.
I am afraid of the end, I am afraid of forever.
I doubt the power of your grace, and the journey I am on.
I don't talk to you enough nor do I read enough of your word.
You know me better than I know myself. You know me in and out.
You love it when I rant and rave, because you will be there when I look back and become embarrassed.
You love it when I hit wall after wall and realize you are what I am looking for the whole time.
You love it when I love you. You love it when I somehow get things right.
Lord, you know what I hate, you know where I hate being.
God, you know everything about me. Things are either going to change or they won't.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am a "leader" and I am the worst of the worst.
I don't know what to say, or how to say, it So I am just going to end it right here...

Glass Case of Emotion

Glass Case of Emotion

Father God I am trapped
I am trapped by my fear of the great unknown
Free me from myself Lord, lift me up in my time of need
My God be present in my life
Bring my the comfort you have promised, heal me from the inside out.
You are my light and my salvation
I shall not fear
I shall not fear
You are my strength and my comfort
I shall not fear
I shall not fear
Father God I am trapped, Set me Free!

We Shall See Landfall

I have written another song, I hope you like it.

We Shall See Landfall

In over our heads we have exhausted all possibilities
Our human efforts have proven to be a waste and our earthly wisdom is useless
The seas continue to roar and the winds don't cease
The Master continues to sleep

Don't you care that we are going to die (x3)

Peace, Be Still (x3)

Why do you fear Oh where is your faith
Hear my promise and believe
You will see landfall, you will be safe

Are you there God? It's me.

ALONE!

Do you like the feeling of being alone? neither do I and that is how I felt just about all day. I think being or feeling alone is a very dark and scary feeling. A feeling that God doesn't want us to feel.

I felt truly alone today. I was out, with a band that I met here in Albania. They are some cool guys, but the spirit is not in them. Today, I was alone. I felt Satan's power of the world. I felt his angels in the world, working and hardening hearts and turning people away from their creator. And to be honest, it made me want to curl up and die. I don't think we were created to be alone. Even Jesus knew the necessity of companionship. We see this in The Gospel of Mark 14:32-42.

Here we see Jesus facing his impending doom head on. He knows he's about to be betrayed, and he knows he is about to suffer. And he doesn't want to face it alone. So he asks his 3 best and closest friends to be with him and keep watch. Peter, James, and John. But guess what. They fall asleep. How terrible Jesus must have felt. Jesus is facing death and all he wants is his best friends to be with him, and they dessert him because they are a little tired. We know the rest of the story. I don't say that to make light of it, but we do know the story.

My emphasis was on the fact that even the king of the world needed companionship and friendship in the spirit. We live in a dark world, don't try and face it alone. Be bold, be courageous, but do it with community, have accountability have friends. Don't be alone.

I encourage you to step up to the challenge and create the unity in the spirit. Go out and find the person who is alone, start a group that is all about christian community. Don't wait for it to come to you because it won't. I am telling you this from experience. Companionship is a necessity, and I believe with every aspect of my being that we were meant to be together. So let's live it.

God Bless.

But...

We are all guilty of using the word "but". It's part of our human nature. We are beings of condition. We are beings that like things, BUT, if it hurts us or costs us something, we seem to complain or we let it go all together.

I have been thinking this quite a bit today and this is my thought. If we made a list of our this or that, BUT we would have a long list and I believe it would look pretty silly and pathetic.

I love you, BUT I don't like you.
I will help you, BUT I won't enjoy it.
I will teach, BUT I know nothing good will come out of it.
I know what to do, BUT I can't do it.

The list can, and does go on. But, the point of this post was to look at Jesus. These are some of the things I see Jesus and God saying all the time. The list, to me, looks something different.

I know that creation will turn and forget me, BUT I will create them anyway.
I know they will ignore my laws and commands, BUT I will give them a way to come back to me.
I know they will reject me and persecute me, BUT I will go down and die anyway.
I know I could turn these stones into bread, BUT man does not live on bread alone.
I know I am innocent, BUT I lay my life down so that others may live.
I know that I am scared, BUT I am going anyway.

But...Nothing is what I have to say for myself. I have no right complaining or arguing about anything. So, let's go out there and be Jesus.

I know I am a sinner, BUT I am redeemed. So I am trying to live like it.

God Bless.