Sorry for the next however long this becomes. This is a complete rant of how I "feel" at the moment.
I hate where I am. I don't want God as much as I want, I want to live for myself. I Hate living on the mission Field. I hate being away from my family. My heart hurts for many people and many things. I want so much out of life and I feel that is passing away in front on my eyes while I sit here and feel useless and wasteful. I don't have the courage or the strength or the motivation to change. I don't want to change. I enjoy where I am, and hate it at the same time. My life is such a paradox.
I am depressed, but joyful. hateful but thankful. confused but I know what I am doing. Lost, but found. Blind, but I see. I know what to do, but I don't do it. I want to complain. I want to do something else. I want to be home. I want to play music, I want to cry, and laugh. I want to be right with God, but I don't want to feel guilty for sin. I want to be with the girl of my dreams. I want to be where I want to be without the pain and growth, right now. I don't want to fear, I don't want to hurt, I don't want to doubt. I want to shout, and run. I want what I want, and I want it now. This post is so depressing and negative, but I have to say it. I can't hold it in.
I need to cry, but I can't. I need to repent, but I don't know how. I want my arm to quit twitching, but it won't. I want to worship, but I feel trapped. I want connection with God and the power to overcome sin, but I don't know how to get it. I want to have the faith I see on stage. I want to feel as though I have everything together. I want to have a huge faith. I want God to fit in my box. I want God to do what I want him to do, the way I want it done. I want my way to be effective. I want my way to be the best way. I want people to cater to my needs. I want to surf, and to play footbag. I want to play the drums in a band. I want my life to be a living sacrifice to the Lord. But I want it on my terms. I want to be humble, but I don't want it to hurt. I want to be submissive but I don't want to serve.
What is my problem, where have I gone wrong. I can't put my finger on it. I hate the lame simply answers to my problems. I only hate them because I know that they are the truth. I want to have my bad attitude and expect things to be good for me. I want a negative outlook and then things to be positive. I want, I want I want.
What a pathetic loser, I have become. Stuck in sin. Sometimes I care, and sometimes I don't. My prayers are cold, my faith is weak. My walk is more of a stumble. I am not growing, I am not maturing. I am dying and I can feel it. I hear the message, but I don't apply. I love the story, but don't want to be in it. I want praise from men, and I want all the Glory. I want to be on the throne, and I want my crown. How weak I am. Am I ranting? Am I just flying off the handle and don't mean anything I say? Who knows. Am I going crazy? What a wretch I am. I am definitely not strong. People doubt if I will make it here. I doubt myself. Maybe I won't make it. Maybe I will quit. I don't want to, but at the same time I do. I will continue to wake up every morning and put my feet in my shoes and walk. I will fall, and hate, I will sin and cry. I will be confused and I will sin. I will want, and I will curse. I will judge, and I will mock. I will be a hypocrite and I will criticize. I will expect things to be done a certain way, and I will be upset when they don't work out. God if you are there, hear my pray. Fix my broken spirit. Lift me up in my day of trouble.
Here is my prayer God:
God, I want to love you more than I do.
I don't want to sin, but I will, and I will want to when it happens.
I am afraid of the end, I am afraid of forever.
I doubt the power of your grace, and the journey I am on.
I don't talk to you enough nor do I read enough of your word.
You know me better than I know myself. You know me in and out.
You love it when I rant and rave, because you will be there when I look back and become embarrassed.
You love it when I hit wall after wall and realize you are what I am looking for the whole time.
You love it when I love you. You love it when I somehow get things right.
Lord, you know what I hate, you know where I hate being.
God, you know everything about me. Things are either going to change or they won't.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am a "leader" and I am the worst of the worst.
I don't know what to say, or how to say, it So I am just going to end it right here...
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3 comments:
It's hard to tell the truth, to be honest with God, to expose that you're struggling inside - I'm proud of you for doing what's hard. I'm proud of you for wrestling with this. I'm proud of you for your faith - a faith that I know is huge and deep. Hang in there. Keep fighting. Keep working this out. I love you, and I believe in you. Thanks for writing down what I, too, feel in my heart.
dude, I am deeply sorry for what your going though and I pray that it will become better. Life can be tough on the mission field, but we are not out there preaching aimlessly, but for the love that we show eachother and care about where others faith lies. Keep strong man. I know you can do it. The church is supporting you and hopes you the best. This mini-version of hell we call earth is only temporary, for we shall all have our place in heaven. Keep fighting and I'll keep prayin.
Twelve years ago I was an AIMer. A passionate, eager, selfish, driven, excited, moldable, sinful, hormonal, evangelistic, prayerful, emotional, young, vibrant, challenged, AIMer. Little did I know that I was just a couple years away from marriage, kids, my wife having a tumor, a career, major dental issues, church planting, mission team formation, etc. etc. If I could go back in time right now and speak to that guy, I'd say... "Chris, it's all gonna be OK. If I were you Chris I'd enjoy the culture and the moment (because you only have this time once). Look at the bigger picture. Try to understand what God might be doing on a 'lifetime' scale. Read, pray, fight for purity, and learn from the mistakes and lessons you are being taught. Just remember Chris, this is in fact a marathon, not a sprint. You are a star Chris, not a shooting star. Just shine bright, don't try to do it all this second and burn out in the process." So, that's what I'd tell me. I wonder what the version of you in twelve years would tell you?
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