Sunday, May 17, 2009

To be determined...

Well hello there!
It's been quite a while since I have blogged, and for that I apologize. I write this more for myself than I write for the reader, because I can't sleep and because, I don't really have any readers. If I had any, this post would still be for me. However, since some people may read this, I am glad you are reading this and maybe through the grace of God you can learn something from it. Who knows?

What's up in my world...
Wow, has God turned my life upside down since the last time I wrote anything. I am no longer in Eastern Europe. In fact I have been home and left since then. I now life in the beautiful country of New Zealand. What an amazing place to be serving God. As I write this I see very clearly that I am not a very good writer and I apologize for those of you who are still with me up to this point. Let's get started, shall we?

Right now I am in what seems like "Limbo" God has called me to do some crazy and big things but at the same time I feel as though I have no direction to what I need to be doing. I really feel like Abraham (Gen. 12), not because I am some huge giant in the faith, or because I have done some great feat, but because God has called me to pick up and leave the things I have known as comfort and sent me to a place I don't know about. I don't know when I will get there, how I will get there, or where it is that I am going. All I know is that I am going. It's freeing to live a life completely dependent on God but at the same time it's so hard a challenging. There are days where I want to give up and live for myself. I want to know where I will end up and how I am going to get there. I want to know if I will marry, and who she is. There are a lot of things that I WANT to know but God never tells me. And sometimes that really bothers me.

I have been reading quite a bit lately and these books that I am reading talk a lot about character development and the journey in my spiritual life. It's one of those things I have always heard but never really understood. I may never fully understand, but I am getting a clearer picture as time goes on. Character development takes time, pressure, experience, trials- so many things that mean it's going to hurt and you won't understand till later on in life, if ever. So much has happened lately to help develop my character, or so I hope, and it's not been so happy. Some of my relationships have gone bad, my living situations aren't always the greatest, lack of financial support, and a lot of my future seems so up in the air. I have no idea where to go, or what to do and that weighs heavily on my heart lately.

I feel as though this is where faith becomes real. Living as a disciple of Jesus isn't always easy. You are forced to make choices in lots of situations that aren't always comfortable. Do I really believe that Jesus is who he says he is and that my life is truly redemptive? Is the stress and heartache I am dealing with worth it? To go through and say "yes" to these questions is what I believe faith is. Faith is where we make decisions based on less than all that facts that go against what our simple human wisdom says to do.

I love how the Bible mentions several times the word "walk" (Gen. 3:8; 1 Kings 2:4; Micah 6:8; Romans 4:12; 1 John 1:5-7...)
Walking is slow, but it has direction and it has purpose. And I am learning that walking with God is all we can do. There are so many things I love about the Bible. I love them so much I get distracted thinking about them. Check this: (Psalm 119:105) says that God's word is a lamp for our feet and a light to our path. Wow, how crazy is that. We aren't shown much in front of us just enough to know for sure that when we walk with God the ground under our feet is solid enough to stand on.

I don't know a whole lot about anything, but I do know that the pain is worth it. I do know that fighting a battle that seems pointless, isn't. I know that there is reason for what we go through. I know there is a God who loves us, and has a plan for our lives, but it takes time, and hurt. We are being renewed everyday, we are being molded into who we were made to be.

So what's next?
What's next? I don't know. That is yet to be determined.

God I thank you for late nights where I can't sleep. I thank you for these times that I can dig into your word and look into myself to see where my heart is and see if I am walking with you. God, I pray for those around me. I pray that I can be transparent so that the people around me can see you. Help me to continue to live for you, and live the life you have created me to live. I pray for direction, but I am learning to be okay to take it a step at a time. LORD give me the strength to rest in you and the desire to run t you when it hurts and nothing makes sense. You are a good God, and I thank you for everything.


Joy said...

I am trying to say "yes" through the pain. I find myself saying no a lot of the time, and when I do finally submit and awknoledge that God is still God and Lord of all, I feel like I am faking the yes to it being worth all the pain to follow Him (or even be alive).

Really, do you get your strength? Because I call on Jesus all the time. I show myself SO broken and in a thousand pieces of who I was...and I [seemingly] get no response or help from Him.

I'm scared. For the first time in my life, even though I try to keep Him near...I am living a life devoid of God. What did I do and how did I get here? I'm sure you remember when I was all about God and He was in me, and I was in Him. I'm come so far too, but not as I expected. =( said...

Feeling fake doesn't mean you are fake. The heart is deceitfully wicked above all things, and that's what most people make their decisions based on. Where do I get my strength, I have no strength on my own. Philippians 4:13 says I can do all things through CHRIST who strengthens me. So, my advise is this, continue to makes the choices that make you feel fake and like a hypocrite and I have a "feeling" that your heart, attitude, and "feelings" will follow. Romans 8

Tara said...

This is wonderful. We may have missed out on a lot these last two months, but if I'm not mistaken - you've grown. I'm impressed, and proud, and I thank the God that we serve for working in you. In both of us. It's a pretty cool thing, hey?
Here's a beautiful thought that someone shared with me the other day. You know the story of the fishermen in Luke 5 - they had been up all night, trying to catch fish, trying to provide for themselves and their families, trying to do their jobs. And they got nothing. But then Jesus came, preached, convinced them to go out and try one more time...they went, and it happened. A miracle! We know this story. But here's the amazing part, the part that I'd never thought about before - after that happened, it says in verse 11 that they left EVERYTHING and followed Jesus. Usually we think of that "everything" as their old lives, their job, their families, their friends, even their clothes. But they also left their nets, which were full of fish - the very thing that they'd been wishing for.
It just hit home for me that sometimes, we have to give up the very thing we asked for in order to get what God wants for us. What a difficult concept and a beautiful blessing.
I'm proud of you for taking it one step at a time in faith. That's a big deal, and a show of strength that only God can give. never fails.